


Ye Who Hath Little Faith (Cancelled)

by orphan_account



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV), The Bane Chronicles - Sarah Rees Brennan & Cassandra Clare & Maureen Johnson
Genre: Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, Familiars, Gore, Hell, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Malec, Pain, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:54:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6043957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The life of a Familiar seems difficult. Especially when you're dead.<br/>Alec takes a chance in afterlife to become a familiar- putting all of his trust into Magnus' love for him. Will it be the thing that builds him up ever so high? Or will it be the thing which makes him collapse and shatter?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An 'Awkward' Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> This will hurt you.

The words they spoke, the world they explored, the eyes that lit up the sky, all seemed to get darker once he left. Magnus often found himself becoming distant around once his name was mentioned. Other than that, he tried to make out that Alec’s death didn’t hurt him as much as it did.

However, that scene, that night, that moment. It haunts him. Poison, not enough strength, Alec, the memory of it is too much to bare. In that hour, Magnus seemed to become undone and put himself back together a million times, yet he left broken. It was the day Alec died, his body cradled in the warlock’s hands.

He felt a crippling weight on his back whenever he thought of that day, like he was being crushed. The guilt of how quickly he changed afterwards. How quickly he went back to screwing around once he stopped grieving. Nevertheless, he always helped out the New York institute whenever they needed it. Yet- he was so guilty inside, he hadn’t realized that he had started to pretend that Alec never existed.

He didn’t do it voluntarily, however- it allowed him to cope. It made it easier that nobody mentioned it to remind him- they all presumed he was overcome with grief. He hated himself for this. That’s how a Seelie girl had ended up in his bed, how he threw out all of Alec’s sweaters. It made it worse that he didn’t even realize when he was being given a second chance once that cat turned up.

* * *

 

The dead Shadowhunter felt like he was floating, like everywhere was glass, and there was no light or darkness. Just nothing. The thoughts in his head were shouting at a whispering volume. His head, filled with concepts; the most piercing silence. That was all he had.

Alec didn’t breathe- and it was strange. It was strange not having to breathe, no air to go in or out- to maybe clear his head, to calm him of the agonizing stillness. Alec hadn’t spoken in what felt like decades, he just floated through a void, searching for something, anything. He was wary of his own hope- his lack of heartbeat.

“I’ll give you a choice.” Something said- indistinguishable of any personality, gender, or emotion. “Do you want to go back?” Alec couldn’t tell if these were in his head or aloud, yet he opened his mouth to respond. For a moment, he couldn’t talk back. He tried to speak outwards, yet incoherent sounds were all that was available. He managed to get out a squeaked ‘huh?’

He felt like a child, learning how to talk again.

“That downworlder, we will give you a chance to see him again.” The voice said, yet again in its emotive-less tone; dragging everything along like the continuation of the dull world Alec was in. “I’m going to explain your options; you can agree or not once I have finished.”

Alec knew they meant Magnus, and all of his form lurched forwards in a need for more- some news of him, a glance at his face, his smile, his voice, his… anything.  
“Have you ever heard of a familiar? Well, Alexander, the boy who died before his time, you can be one, if you so wish.” Alec seemed all too eager to nod in agreement, however, he now couldn’t move. It was like he didn’t exist. Everything went dark.

“You would be his, that’s if he accepts you. You cannot show your human form until then. If he rejects you, you shall go into Limbo. From Limbo- it’s easy to fall into the grips of hell. How much do you trust your warlock… ‘friend’?” The voice said, a tone of laughter underlining each syllable, like it was enjoying itself.

“You would be his. Your souls would be united- and you’d be unable to die until he dies. Together forever, it sounds nice, does it not? However, if he fails you, and doesn’t want you- if he’s hateful towards you because he doesn’t know it’s, you shall fall, your memories of your previous life will only last a couple of hours, and then the rest of you will start to deteriorate afterwards.” The voice said, almost with a cruel sentiment behind every word. “I guess the question is more ‘Do you trust your lover?’”  
Alec could only, on an impulse, think of ‘Yes’.

* * *

 

Of course he was a cat. However, he was smaller than most felines, and he was black. His eyes weren’t the same shade of blue that they usually were though, they were like glass, clear blue. Instantly, Alec realised his footing was off once he landed on the floor of that well known apartment. He stumbled left and right for a while, trying to stand up properly and look around. He was greeted by a stare, from the one he loved most.

Magnus looked larger then Alec remembered, probably because the proportions had now changed. However, that wasn’t the only thing that had changed. Magnus seemed to look disgusted- his cat-slit eyes narrowed and his brows furrowed. His hands shoved in his ever-so-fashionable trousers. This Magnus wasn’t similar to anything he had known from him before, he didn’t seem kind at all in this image, he didn’t feel welcome here. Alec felt like he was in danger.  
“I don’t want one of your kind, tell whoever keeps sending your type here that I don’t want, or need a familiar.” The warlock spoke in anger, like a fire was raging up inside him. That fire was now blue, glowing smoke in his fists.

Within seconds, Alec was thrown to the opposite side of the room. He hadn’t learned how to properly talk or walk, and now he was facing abuse. He had started to believe that he had made the wrong choice. The only thing he could cling onto was whether he could maybe reach through to Magnus.

Yet, this form was weak, vulnerable, and unable to even move after that hit. He couldn’t find it in himself to try to stand up and reach through to him. Even if he did get as far as being able to be stable on his feet- how would an unwanted, stray cat reach through to an angry Warlock?

“Hey, what was that?” Said a voice, it sounded like it came from a girl, from the corridor that lead to… oh no.

Alec realized he shouldn’t be here. That he didn’t want to be here. Going to limbo and then hell would be better than here. Was Magnus with her?  
“Oh it was nothing.” Magnus said, and it was believable. It made every fibre in Alec’s being feel worthless. “Isn’t the Seelie court in need of their beauties return?” He said, almost flirtatiously.

“I’ll be leaving now actually, thank you for an amazing night.” She flirted back, initiating a small kiss. Even if Alec couldn’t see it, he knew what was happening. He could simultaneously feel and hear his heart shattering like glass.

The footsteps moved away towards the main exit. She was light footed, probably pretty and definitely female- which seemed to make it worse for Alec. Then footsteps came towards him, heavier and getting closer. Alec found it better to close his eyes and pretend to be dead. Yet Magnus still picked him up by the excess skin on the back of his neck.  
He tried to squirm away yet he was brought face to face with the one who hated him, the one he loved the most. He looked into those golden eyes when Magnus told him: “It’s not personal.” and all he could do was scream inside his own head at Magnus, commanding him to see Alec, the young Shadowhunter he once loved.

His paws kept wriggling as he kept trying to get out of the warlock’s grip, wanting to look away from that look, because it was so different from the affection he once received from him. Alec realised that he shouldn’t have returned. That it wasn’t right to ask Magnus to drop everything and love him again- because to only Alec, it was obvious that he had stopped.

Magnus raised his hand, the blue flames almost suffocating. Everything moved slowly, until the doorbell rang, and Alec was dropped onto the floor. He laid there for a moment, until he heard a voice that was truly familiar.

* * *

 

“What do you want, Isabelle.” Magnus said, staying at the door to obstruct the Shadowhunter girl from entering or looking through, nevertheless, she tried to anyway.  
Magnus tried to pretend that the ‘familiar’ wasn’t there, he would have to wait until Isabelle left before he could kill it.  
“Have you seen Jace?” She said, almost in a complete panic. Magnus’ eyes widened in surprise at Isabelle’s alarm.

“No, why?” Magnus spoke in disinterest.

“Because I got a call from him. He told me that a voice spoke to him saying that Alec had returned and then it cut off after he told me that he’s going to the accords hall to search.” She said, trembling like a storm was brewing in her head.

“Did you try the accords hall?”

“Magnus, now is not the time. He would need to portal there, and he would need your help for that. If you haven’t seen him, the least you could do is make a quick portal to let me through.”

The warlock gave another sigh; he didn’t know if he was pretending to care or not anymore. Part of him wanted to believe that Alec came back from the dead, but it had never happened before. He wasn’t hopeful about it in anyway. He rolled his eyes and opened the door wider, letting his previous lover's sibling through.

He invited Isabelle inside. She didn’t see the familiar, she was far too on edge to look around. Instead she eagerly watched Magnus. He created the portal and for a moment he watched the swirls of colour intercept with one another. He imagined Alec on the opposite side, waiting for him. He watched Isabelle step into it and look back at him, she hadn’t noticed the Familiar, maybe it had died.

“Are you coming?” She asked, with hope, grief and desperation in her eyes.

Magnus didn’t speak, instead he bowed his head in a nod and followed her through.


	2. Insanity Comes With Research... apparently.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus discovers more about Familiars.

Magnus' first impression of the blonde boy was that he was either an idiot or insane. Those impressions seemed to be to be backed up by what he saw now. Trace, or whatever his name is, was running about the accords hall, scrambling for something- like he was a child looking for a hiding place after one of his friends had said 'ready or not here I come'. The blondie had explained that he felt his parabatai rune start to burn, like it was being re-applied. Magnus thought that this was stupid and a delusion he had created to have some hope towards Alec. The warlock felt almost offended by this situation. Yet alone he was on edge for he didn't know if he had overstayed his welcome in Idris.

"I swear I'm not crazy." Said the idiot. Magnus just stood there, his eyebrow raised and his arms crossed. He had more pressing matters at the moment- like a client that was due in around an hour. The golden haired male never looked more insane. His hair was messy like he had just woken up, and he was still in pajamas's which supported Magnus' previous notion, and he was running around like a madman. All signs pointed towards crazy, and even Isabelle had noticed.

"Please, You just have to help me look." He said hopefully.

"Look for what, Jace? Alec? He's not here!" Isabelle shouted, on the verge of tears. What hurt Magnus most was him not feeling the way they were. He felt like he should be like them, emotionally raw. However, all the grief he had suffered over his existence had made him dry. Magnus did flinch at the name, like it was pressing down on an open wound.

"I'll look through the library for... an explanation." Magnus said shrugging as he walked away. Taking this as an opportunity to look at some spells and maybe some information that would be more difficult to find. Another reason was so that he could get away from them, so he wouldn't be driven crazy like 'Jace' via a name.

* * *

 

The voice didn't lie. It didn't lie. It didn't lie. Alec was slowly being driven insane, all of his head spinning, like his tail. Since when did he have a tail? He had started to forget the events leading up to now. Occasionally he remembered that he had died and then became... this. Other times he had started to forget where he was.

One advantage to this was that he was now getting better at being a cat. He could now walk around, like he was slightly tipsy- which was better then falling over like a toddler. His sight was also getting a bit better- which was probably because his concussion was wearing off. As he could walk around now with only some resistance, he managed to walk up to a reflective surface, discovering his cat from in more detail. Specifically, how his eyes were slowly turning lighter- now a transparent light blue; gradually becoming white.

In that moment, Alec zoned out, forgetting where he was. Scared, alone and intimidated, Alec left through an open window, scanning the surroundings.

The voice didn't lie- he was forgetting his life.

* * *

 

  
Magnus was done. He had to cancel his appointment because he feared Jace and Isabelle would guilt trip him. He couldn't stand this. He didn't want this. He sighed and procrastinated against researching about ghosts and necromancy. Instead he decided to maybe find a way to stop familiars from arriving in his house. He found a book on them, hoping it would show a way. He was angry now- because he was stuck here and forced to be miserable, and he had to deal with even more shit than he had anticipated for the day.

He hauled the book from its shelf, watching a cloud of dust collapse to the floor afterwards. He carried it over to a solitary table, and dropped it down. Narrowing his eyes in annoyance at the loud bang it made. Using his flat palm, he wiped the dust off of the leather hardback- glancing pessimistically at the engraved title on it: 'Collected knowledge on Familiars'. Magnus couldn't help a scoff leave his mouth.

He hauled the book open as he plopped down in the chair, crossing a leg over the other. He scanned the first page, only learning that a familiars animal form is usually a domestic version of their 'masters' favorite animal. The word 'master' made Magnus cringe excessively, yet it explained why all of them turned up as cats.

Magnus flicked through the pages, learning what happens when a Familiar is rejected. It made Magnus feel guilty. How he had sent some of them to hell without intention. The warlock felt his stomach turn at the same time he heard Jace make a sound of frustration. Jace was probably having no luck with finding a solution. Magnus kept looking discovering how to accept a Familiar and so on. It seemed like a long ass process. First there was acceptance, then there was a lot of stupid soul business and then there was bonding where the souls merge and it either sounded like so much effort or really soppy. He didn't see the point in a familiar, he heard they weaken Warlock's and witches- as you would have to give them some of your power.

The only attractive part of the deal was the fact that certain types of bonds mean the familiar cannot die unless the Warlock died. Magnus thought it would be nice to have someone that couldn't leave through death, to share eternity with someone, yet; weighing out the pros and cons, Magnus decided it wasn't worth it.

He looked over the different types of Familiars- something he did not know was that there were multiple types:  
Owned familiars only have a mortal lifespan and don't need to be given power to live- however they cannot access their human form and they do their owners bidding. Which sounded perfect- If Magnus was crazy. These familiars were the most common.  
Guardian familiars are brutal and require some power to maintain- however they cannot die unless there connection to their master is severed via the masters death. These usually bond with their masters over hunting something, and are most often found in animal form to be guard dogs or large cats- most often not marine life.  
Romantic familiars are what Magnus found extremely creepy as familiars are in their animal form. However these cannot die unless their master is also dead- which was sweet... in a way. Romantic familiars bond by the warlock or which showing their soul to the familiar- which allows them, somehow, to turn into human form. Apparently the book didn't have the answer to how this occurred. Once in human form, the familiar would have to become vulnerable enough for their soul to emerge, which allows the two of them to see their souls combine.

Magnus felt traumatized over what he just read. Sure he was a romantic and lusted over the idea of someone to cherish forevermore, yet this was pushing it.

The cat-eyed warlock continued reading until he saw a passage on where familiars originate from. There was a lot of speculation and theories over the subject- some thought they were demon spawns, gifts from Lilith, gifts from angels to protect against Lilith. However- all of these ones seemed to center around one theme. The souls used for this are usually the souls of the dead.

It took a moment before Magnus' made the connection and his heart both dropped and shattered all over again like it was the night where his Shadowhunter died.

One word sprung to his mind, the word he tried to avoid and ignore for the past month: Alec.


	3. Penny for your pity

Magnus sat there frozen for a moment, going through it all in his head.  _It was probably just a coincidence, nothing more, nothing less._ He thought, persuading himself into not believing what was right in front of him; because he felt that he didn't deserve it. With a shaky breath, he turned the page, finding out about ways familiars die. Magnus felt his eyes tremble under the threat of tears.  _What have I done?_  The warlock thought.

The scripture read: 

Familiars who haven't been rejected or accepted can die without violence. It takes a couple of hours before their minds dissolve- they often start to act like the animal they are masquerading as. They're features turn lighter before their body turns into dust. This process is thought to be painful- however there is no proof of this because 1) No familiar has lived through it to describe the feeling. 2) The familiars aren't use to sensations as (refer to the origin of familiars) they haven't had a body for a while. These studies are run by independent warlocks and the Familiar co-operation in London.

Hope filled Magnus, something he hadn't experienced in a long time. Maybe that cat wasn't dead. He needed to leave, to go back, to see what might be Alec. He stood up and put the book back, thinking of an excuse as he made it hover with magic and slide back onto the shelf. He thought he had never wished as much as he did then. He wished that he didn't kill him.

"I.." His voice was hesitant, stuttering like a jump-started car "Should go back. I don't want to be here when the other Shadowhunters wake up, and I have a client I should prepare for. I will look through some of my resources, however." He lied, gritting his teeth at the end. With a nod, he bid the two a goodnight and half stumbled out of the room. Magnus felt like he couldn't breathe, like the world around him was collapsing and drowning him. His body convulsed ever so slightly as he choked out a small tear- every part of him wanted to stay strong- to believe. Yet, he feared it was too late. Within moments he created a portal, it was probably the quickest he ever had, and he jumped through, falling to the floor of his apartment.

The area looked just like it did when he left, slightly messy yet extremely fashionable. He wiped his face of some tears that were scattered on his cheeks like glistening stars in the sky. He got up, not bothering to dust himself off, and scrambled to the area where he last saw the cat, hoping with everything he had that it was still there.

That moment, where his feline iris first saw the floor, was one of the most painful ones he had ever experienced. First his body was overcome with pure, unsolvable rage. He 'accidentally' lit the couch on fire with his own mind and ran rampant around the apartment, calling out his name like a broken record. Magnus had never felt more desperate.

He knew this was how he was meant to be acting the entire time, distraught, hopeful, guilty. He felt like utter shit. The only thing now on his mind was Alec.

Magnus searched desperately and relentlessly- before he stepped out of his apartment, breathless. It was the early hours in the morning and Magnus couldn't care less about his image. The sun was starting the rise, illuminating the swirling grey's in the sky. He didn't know where to even start looking- so, with his head in his hands, he paced. Deciding through his options. Summon a demon for help in tracking, or run about the city.

Within seconds, he was already inside after slamming the door behind him, and drawing out a pentagram.

 

* * *

 

 

Have the streets of Brooklyn always been this filthy? The alleys were littered with some weird stuff. He could now walk with no problem, and had started to jump onto ledges. He felt like he was in his element, ignoring the fact that he sometimes couldn't remember his own name. Occasionally he walked past some people, his head thinking about why some of the men were extremely hot. That was probably normal? Was it called gay? Alec couldn't remember. 

He had given up on holding onto to what he was- because he didn't know there was something to hold onto. 

Wandering through the streets of Brooklyn, Alec forgot his previous life, the fact he even had a human form, that he was a familiar. The one thing he saw when he looked at himself was his crisp white eyes. 

"Hello there, Little one." Said a malicious voice. It made the hair on his back stand up, his tail tense and his eyes widen as he slowly craned his head to look. "Abandoned Familiar, huh? Well then, might as well skip Limbo." It started to laugh. Alec felt claws, pushing and pulling him downwards, scratching at his skin and setting him alight. The last thing he saw was the sky- a murky grey; no blue to be seen.

 

* * *

 

 

Summoning a demon took time when he had erratic emotions. He couldn't focus on much. When the demon appeared in a wisp of smoke, all it did was laugh. The cackle sounded like screams almost. Talking to it rationally proved difficult. He managed to make some of it out. The word 'idiot' came up a lot, so did the word 'father'. 

Magnus walked around the demon, circling the creature distastefully. "Where is he?" Magnus asked, his voice stern and steady, unlike his head. The question just provoked further laughter. Magnus was getting aggressive, purely enraged and tiresome. "Where?" He now shouted, which shut the demon up for a moment. The pure sinister smirk that graced its mouth was something that said words that were too evil to define.

"He  _fell._ Well 'fell' is an understatement, more like dragged. I don't even think hell ordered a pretty blue-eyed one, but we accepted him, after all, there's nothing bad in spilling angel blood." The thing said, ever word and breath making a line of ooze fluctuate under its mouth. The words, also, made Magnus step back. If the demon was telling the truth, which is statistically unlikely, Magnus had done the worst he could ever do. Alec would be in hell because of him. "Such emotion, emotions are funny!" The demon continued, the occasional howl of laughter interrupting his words. "It's adorable how you came back though, really. Now would you like to send me back so I can watch your little friend scream for you? Despite how entertaining this little chat is, I'd much rather watch that." 

All Magnus saw now was red, pure fire and anguish. He made the room shake, things falling off shelves and picture frames crashing to the floor. His fists were tightly balled up before he expelled the demon accidentally. He wanted to keep the demon there, to call up Jace and Isabelle and get them to kill it, but he sent it away unintentionally. Magnus rarely got so pissed that it made him like this. Usually when he was angry he dealt with things rationally, not lashing out. 

After a few minutes as the steam of hostility had faded out, Magnus sunk to his knees and wept. His unstoppable grief overwhelming him like nothing ever had before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the reason for the Explicit rating.


	4. The Damnation Of Innocence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter may be triggering to some people.

 After his memories had flooded back, the first thing that hit Alec was the smell. The scent of hell was unimaginable, like a combination of good things turned bad; like licorice that's so sweet it cannot be differentiated from a rotting body. The aroma was so strong, like it was all that was in the air. Hell wasn't really hot or cold- it felt hot because of the lack of air, yet all Alec could do was shiver. 

The second thing was pain. The torment he was suffering was incomparable to anything else. He was restrained, not by cuffs, but by hooks which dug into his skin and threatened to pull him apart. These large, curved pieces of metal were occasionally pulled, ripping open the skin and leaving a large wound. Thus adding to the stench. Yet they were often re added, to a fresh piece of flesh.

He knew  _they_ were everywhere; he could sense them. Demons circling him and inflicting the things that they enjoyed onto him. Every now and then, Alec could hear them laugh and speak. One had made two deep gashes in his back, slits where wings would come from if he were a pure angel. He remembers the way it said: "Go on, fly and fuck off, boy!" before cackling hysterically. The burn of tears ran down his cheeks as he felt his joints ripping apart again. 

He felt them touch him, their hands on his face, lifting his chin to look at him all weak. He felt them put things in his eyes, gouge them out, and leave him blind. Alec couldn't tell if that made it worse or not. Now he couldn't be able to see, he didn't have to look at what was coming, which wasn't either good or bad. With their hands on his face, he could feel blood trickle down his cheeks, as they started to deprive him of other senses. Now he had no sight, he was going to lose speech. 

Initially the pain of the needle penetrating his lower lip was the most powerful he had seen yet. Yet as the rusted, thick, copper coil followed and scratched the new wound- he screamed out in pain. He felt it drive up through his top lip, forcing them to be shut. His muffled cries could be heard through his trembling lips, as each movement made the wire scratch and tear at his skin and lips. The thing proceeded to sew his entire mouth shut, as he sobbed trying to still his face as much as possible, and breathe through his nose.

The worse part was when everything was reset- and he was forced to experience it all over again. The adrenaline he'd get set his nerves on fire- making him feel everything in detail, making everything even worse. He could looked at his torturous surroundings and scream out all over again as he was injected with fuck knows what.

The liquid that was in his body started to freeze, making parts of his skin turn into ice. His frostbite made him convulse in agony as it attacked his nerves, making the veins in his eyes burst.  Red. All he saw was red, as he was forced to relive death over and over.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus could feel his heart crushing, like a vice was pushing down on his chest, pinning him town to the floor. The only way he was able to stand up was if he could manage to persevere through the agony. The only way he could do that was through passion. All he could think about was Alec. Alec  _Alec **Alec.**_ He felt like he was slowly being driven insane. If only he was here. If only he hadn't of left.

He heard a soft meow at the window, his body turning to look. He had never moved so fast. Magnus felt his heat break even more when he only looked at the Chairman. He almost threw something at it, yet he couldn't move after he had sunk back to the floor.

All he could feel now was overwhelming guilt. The fact that he did this crippled the warlock.

He needed to get up, to search for a remedy for the situation, to search for a way to get Alec out, to search for something. Magnus needed some sort of distraction before the thoughts started to attack him.

_Better off dead._

Magnus hit himself in the head, tossing from side to side on the floor before he jumped to his feet. He needed to know more about Familiar's, or necromancy, or how to get people out of hell. He felt that this was his only purpose now. Yet he couldn’t get up.

 

* * *

 

After they had extorted all of the physical pain that they could, the demons started on their mental methods.

The delusions started off subtle, just words in his head.

_You deserve this. You’re nothing. Can’t do anything right. Nobody loves you._

The phrases differed in their voices, some of them were Jace, some were Isabelle. However, they were mostly Magnus. Because he felt like he had failed the warlock. They were said to the point where Alec believed he deserved them despite them being in his head. He thought that no matter how fake they could be; they were all that he needed.

After this, it didn’t take long for Alec to cripple his own head into seeing things. He manipulated his own senses into believing his loved ones were the ones torturing him, holding the knives and plyers, laughing at his pain.

He had started to laugh to, finding enjoyment in his pain, like a masochist. He did it in order to cope. Maybe he felt that him laughing when ‘Magnus’ pulled off every individual nail off his hands and feet made him believe it didn’t hurt as much as it really did.

_You’re a demon._

This voice was different. It was his own, and it sounded so disgusted. Alec further hated himself. He was so wrong for enjoying this, for finding some sort of sick way to cope against it. He shouldn’t be laughing- he should be in pain.

_We deserve this pain._

Said another voice.

Max. Oh by the angel no.

He was in the same situation as him, tied up on the opposite side of the cave like room, making Alec- who hadn’t talked for weeks, start to shout.

“No!” He cried out, his throat burning with anger and desperation. His body started to thrash about- the hooks ripping his skin apart.

He didn’t care or even know if it was a vision anymore. He needed to help his brother.

“Max- hold… hol…” His voice trailed off as someone walked into the room. Their body was covered in obsidian-black scales. “Get away from him you bitch!” He shouted, spit flying out from his mouth as his gritted his teeth, screaming as he ripped out of his restraints. He ran over to his sobbing brother, holding him in his broken arms. That thing disappeared when Alec looked back, scanning the surroundings for places it could have gone to.

Max started to laugh, like a giggle at first which grew into a spasm of laughter. When Alec pulled away, worriedly, he was in horror at what he saw.

He had eyes that were pure red, a deep, crimson blood colour- his teeth were all sharp and pointed. His laugh turned into a growl, deep and horrifying. He licked his dry lips and before Alec could cry out, ‘Max’ had turned to dust.

Alec sat there for a moment, sobbing as he held the dust helplessly in his palms, watching it slip through his fingers.

Something came up behind him, laughing again.

“So- you want to be alive again? Go back, see how much fun you have.”

It was the same one that dragged him down. Alec felt his body lurch in rage, as he stood up and jumped towards it, falling flat onto the floor.

He was falling again, the world turning white, now burning.

‘Go back’? What could that mean? Alec couldn’t realize it until he hit the floor.

 

* * *

 

 

There was a coughing sound, it was deep and strangled. Magnus sat up and was at wonder at what he saw.

Alec was on the floor, looking like a distraught version of himself, heaving and coughing, like he was choking.  Magnus smiled and went over, to see if he was okay.

Magnus was now crying, as he reached out to hold Alec, who was slowly turning back into cat. Magnus just wanted to hold him, to make sure he was okay.

Yet, Magnus felt his heart break when Alec flinched away.


	5. Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec has returned and Magnus cannot even think straight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the previous chapter.  
> So very sorry.  
> Maybe.

"Alexander?" Magnus asked, using his elongated name to emphasize Magnus' unique relationship to the blue-eyed boy, his voice resonating across the room like specs of dust being illuminated in the light. It was everywhere. Alec's eyes twitched at the noise, he couldn't endure it. Not after everything he had seen.

 _Hello Alec, now... you see, these sharp things are what symbolizes our love, if it hurts, it means I love you._ That was the Magnus Alec now knew, the one he met in hell, the one he believed was the real one. Alexander couldn't understand why Magnus was being gentle, did he not love him anymore?

"It's me, it's Magnus." The warlock said, soft and calm, still trying to touch him. Alec had begun to tremble, every part of his body telling him to pull away, he didn't deserve that pain, he didn't deserve that love. Magnus felt every bone in his body weaken at the expression on Alec's face when he looked at the floor. A broken man. His eyes were bloodshot and surrounded by black, sleep deprived skin. His lips looked rough, dry and cracked and his skin looks irritated by tears. Just the sight of Alec started to break the cat-eyed man. 

Alec jolted further away his hand bracing himself on the floor, yet he still weakly fell backward, still looking away from Magnus. "I know." The tormented male said, blinking away the tears in his eyes before his body shook like a huge shudder had possessed his body and within a flash, he was a cat again. 

It was like the first time Magnus saw him, yet now his eyes were a bright, deep blue. Alec's feet were unstable and oddly stomping everywhere as his balance was off. Magnus watched for a moment, completely frozen as Alec fell to the floor. Alec, in this form, was extremely small. His entire frame when curled up seemed to be the same size as Magnus' head, including his hair. When the cat was on the floor, staring up at Magnus with the shade of blue which was accompanied with a slit, the warlock felt his entire body become overwhelmed. His jittery, jeweled fingers reached out to touch Alec's small head softly. Magnus wanted, no- needed to just touch him. 

They kept eye-contact for a moment as Magnus kneeled on the floor- reaching out towards a feline Alec. Every part of Magnus loved Alec even more now. Just him. He hadn't realised that- and it was strange how death forced him to see that his adoration was something that shouldn't be taken for granted.

"Alexander?" Magnus asked, using his elongated name to emphasize Magnus' unique relationship to the blue-eyed boy, his voice resonating across the room like specs of dust being illuminated in the light. It was everywhere. Alec's eyes twitched at the noise, he couldn't endure it. Not after everything he had seen. "Alexander." This time when Magnus said his name, it was less of a question and more of a hopeful glint of pain. Like it was something that could both save him and push him off the brink into depression. “Please.” He choked out, his voice cracking as his hand balled into a fist and then became undone again.

Alec, without thinking, lifted his head up, one of his ears lightly brushing the tip of Alec’s ear. Within a moment, Magnus’ hand had cupped the side of the cats face, his thumb rubbing over Alec’s cheek, head, neck. He felt so fragile and vulnerable next to his hand. Without a single thought, Magnus swept Alec up with his arm and pulled the cat against his chest, shifting so he was sitting cross-legged. Magnus rocked back and forth, cradling the cat in his arms as he both cried in happiness, guilt and sadness.

Alec had now frozen in place, both unable and unwilling to move. If he was in human form, or could be in human form, he would be clinging onto the warlock and crying out of confusion. Alec didn’t understand much around him as everything seemed so different and daunting. Nevertheless, he eased into Magnus’ touch and nuzzled against him, climbing up to his shoulder and laying on his chest as Magnus just sobbed.

It felt wrong.

Alec felt sick with himself because every part of him was screaming that he didn’t deserve this affection from Magnus. No matter how much he craved it. He didn’t deserve love at all.

 

* * *

 

 

After a while of this, Magnus silently stood up and wandered to his bad, placing Alec down on it and clambering in before pulling Alec’s form close and running a hand over his body, stroking him. That was weird. It made it weirder that Alec was unable to prevent himself from purring at the contact.

It was more embarrassing that Magnus looked so happy about Alec purring at his touch. Alec almost wanted to scratch him. Yet, he was too weak and unsteady to move away. He curled his body on Magnus’ chest and drifted to sleep.

Magnus swore to himself that he would call Isabelle in the morning, but in this moment he couldn’t even think of anything else apart from how blessed and guilty he felt.

“Alec.” Magnus spoke with an undertone of sleepy happiness, slowing down his strokes as he looked at the sleeping cat. He rarely used the name ‘Alec’ as he preferred using his full, weightier name. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to say it at the time. “I love you.”

Magnus' head was a concoction of pure emotion. Everything was swirling in his head. Revolving around the small ball of fluff on his chest. Alec was back, he was slightly different and broken, yet he was back.


	6. Insecure Stupidity

Midnight always seemed like a perfect time to Alec, it wasn't too early or too late. It was the perfect time to slip into somewhere or escape. Alec had woken up briefly after he fell asleep- his first sight being that warlock he loved too much. Yet he didn't deserve to love him. That's why he slowly and cautiously shambled off the bed. His footing was still wonky, so he more or less fell of the bed and rolled underneath it. 

He was used to being underneath Magnus but not in this kind of way. He curled up on the rug there and exhaled deeply, all while closing his eyes. It was colder as he didn't have the heat radiating off Magnus to supply any warmth.  This is how it should be.

Separate, refined, lonely. This is exactly what Alec deserved.

He fell asleep again to the hum of the city outside the apartment- the hushed journeys of taxi’s and walks of shame. Brooklyn, Alec’s new lullaby.

 

* * *

 

 

_Dreams were something Magnus often welcomed with open arms. Not nightmares. Not this memory. He had forbidden himself from remembering it at all. When Alec left him. When he cradled his body in his arms as the life drained from his eyes. Magnus had never heard Isabelle scream that loud, or Jace turn that vicious towards a demon. He, himself, had never felt that empty._

_Alec, paler than ever, laid there, his mouth hung open ever so slightly, eyes half lidded and turned even more pale. His skin turning cold and less soft. Alec becoming something that was not himself. Magnus must have tried to revive him around a thousand time, the blue waves of magic sliding off the dead Shadowhunters body._

_Magnus had also never seen his fire kill something so quickly. For a demon to scream out when it was encased by it- all without even trying. He remembered how his hands gripped onto Alec, his fists balling and holding the fabric of Alec's shirt._

The room was orange- the light flooding past a crack in the curtain. Not that Magnus really cared or noticed. He jumped upright, his hair sticking down with light sweat. He was panting- his eyes erratically darting across the room.

Yet he didn’t care about his appearance or panic- He couldn’t feel the cat on his stomach or lap.

“Alec?” Magnus called out, his voice in a tone of a question- soft and dry. “Please?”

Magnus hoped with his entire being that he hadn’t dreamt it all- that it was real. He launched off the bed- his head turning as he walked around his room, opening the curtains and allowing the sunlight to fill every corner of the room with gold.

“Alec, come on out…” The warlocks voice broke as he walked to the frame of the door, his arms holding each side so he could look in and out of the room. “I’m begging you here.”

Magnus wandered out of the room, pacing back and forth in his living room- craning his head in every direction. It wasn’t long until he broke into a manic search.

It was ironic really. How when he lost Alec he didn’t grieve much or search at all. But now, everything had been turned upside down. He felt a flood of grief, worry and helplessness. He had saw him again- just to lose him. Was it all a dream? Had an angel come down from heaven to teach him how to grieve again? Alec… Alec had always been, and always will be, Magnus’ angel.

Magnus spent a horrifying 10 minutes wandering around, exposing his hazy morning eyes to the violent amber of the sun. Before he wandered into his room to change clothes to go outside and look.

Alec couldn’t walk well in his form yet- so he couldn’t have gone far, right?

Magnus had changed his clothes into one of his typically colourful shirts that had an assortment of rainbow sequins and was still drowned in a borderline dangerous and exciting level of glitter. The warlock reached over the bed to grab his phone which was on the opposite bedside table.

When he shifted his weight onto the balls of his feet he heard a shattering shriek and he felt a small sharp pain in his foot. There was hissing as something from underneath him was trying to push again from his foot. A cat? A black cat? Magnus gasped softly in both shock and guilt.

“Holy shit- don’t scare me like that!” Magnus said, scooping up the cat in his arms. Alec’s immediate reaction to this was for his frame to go limp and look for a way to not get close to Magnus.

His feelings were difficult to explain. The Magnus he met in hell- he couldn’t differentiate the obvious diversity between that one and this one. Why wasn’t he being tortured? In hell Magnus said that torture was how he showed his love. Alec thought- no, he knew to himself that Magnus did not love him. What other explanation is there for not accepting him?

Magnus however returned to cradling his now-feline lover in his arms, lightly resting his forehead on the cat’s head. “Alec.” He muttered to himself, partially to reassure himself and also to convey all of his emotions. Love, guilt, grief, relief and confusion. Magnus had never felt more vulnerable to himself.

That was how they spent the first half of everyday for the following week. Magnus just holding Alec in his arms, trying to accept him. Magnus had no clue on how to accept a familiar. Was there a ceremony? A ritual? A sacrifice?

Alec slowly eased himself into the strange ‘new’ relationship between himself and the warlock. He mentally strained himself everyday over it. The cat also had to come to terms with other things that he knew but had not accepted yet.

  * He used to be a Shadowhunter, but he can never be one again.
  * Being a cat. Just in general.
  * Magnus will never love him in the same way he was used to.
  * The time he spent in hell was physically half a day yet it felt like decades.
  * His family, the Lightwoods, acted like he wasn’t there.



 

* * *

 

 

“Surely there’s a way to make him look _slightly_ human again?” Isabelle said to the warlock, who sat there with his attention firmly on attending to the black cat in his lap. “Magnus? By the angel, don’t tell me you like him like this?”

“Magnus- say something. Don’t forget it is Alec, not just some cat.” Jace stood there, leaning his back against a board of the bookcase. He had a look of pain and hope glowing in his golden eyes.

Magnus sighed and picked up Alec before placing him on the small table between the seats. “I don’t… _prefer_ him like this. I just don’t know how to _turn_ him back. So, I’m just making the best of the situation.”

“You’re not _making the best,_ Magnus, you’re abusing it. We need to help Alec; he isn’t meant to be a cat.” Isabelle said, flicking her gaze between the dark feline and the downworlder. Alec, who if was in a human form, would have scoffed. However, he just laid down and did what every cat would do if someone wasn’t feeding it: slept. He tried to sleep. He just closed his eyes which was followed up by Isabelle commenting: “See! The normal Alec would not just sleep this easy at situations like this!”

Alec was just glad he wasn’t awake when Magnus broke it to Jace and Isabelle that Alec was a cat. That now, instead of discovering how Alec was alive because of a feeling Jace had, they were trying to find a way to get him to look human- trying to understand familiars.


End file.
